lethargy

school restarts and i'm out of the mood. Holidays are too short n transient now what's left is cold reality that i'll have to pick up school work or else i'll fail the tests. expectation from parents is really pressing. Last time dad said he wished he could see me graduate with an honour and be proud of me i just sat back n stared at the screen till it became a swirling blur, very lost in mind's wild wanderings. I dare not tell him I didn't do well for my midterms and it's in fact difficult to find research jobs in summer. on top of that, i've lost the energy to study. I could force myself to study and might even get along well but , lethargy, slowly consuming me. I start to doubt time n again if this's the life i want. be a researcher. I have no idea about it. I have absolutely no idea what it is. and i think i'm a coward.

last night dalei went online, said it was his first time using msn. i laffed n told him even my parents have learnt how to use it. haha. he asked me about school ' any problem fitting in? made any new friends?' sorts of questions only asked by a brother, truly a brother. althou there's no true brother-sisterhood so to speak. It reminds me of Michael's sister in 'Natural', she asks the same sort of questions. ' Does Michael like school?' 'Did he make any friends?' you can almost tell instantly she's a sister. intricate feelings. I feel grateful. thank you so much.