missing you

that used to be the cover page of my november diary, when i did my frontpage. norah jone's voice dripped melancholy, swirling lazily in the air, like a poison that seeps into your bone marrows.

it was just a mood. i looked at the picture and decided to give it a yellow tone. it used to be black n white. old jeep, slight frown, mind's that gets a bit carried away but you won't talk.

last nite i talked to dad for a long time on msn.
- i don't know what i'm doing anymore. the last semester's like a blur.
i don't know what i'm going to do in the future or what i'm capable of doing at all.

- haha, same as me back in university. we learn everything but don't know what we're going to do in the future. But you'll know when you go on to postgrad and become specialised in a field. It'll be different. Hard work will pay off. Right now you'are standing at the bottom of a hill. Then you climb up the hill top and see a bigger picture. Later on you reach the mountaintop and see all the hills. It'll be clearer as you move your way up.

- [i can't understand a single published scientific paper, i know very little] maybe.

- dad, do you think i'll do better if given another choice?

- like?

- like language, or visual-related field.[animation? media?]

- it's a good hobby. and it's too late to abandon all you've established that's related to science and start anew.

-i think so too

-biochm is a good field. and it's very broad. you can do lots of things in the future. jst that you might not see it all now. you can study marine organisms, how it all works in humans, or in animals, diseases , a whole lot of things. and the future prospective is good.

- i might go and visit you in summer.

- that'll be great if you can come.

- if i can go?

- if you can come and see me i mean.

- wish both you and mum can come together.

- we'll go to your graduation ceremony.

- definitely

- oh, i was thinking of what course to choose for summer.

- i'll give you the website link. take a look.

- eastern study, women study, calculus, psychology, french, etc. etc.

after lenghty discussion

- french isn't so bad. you'll find it useful

- mmm, i agree. it's not so bad. i haven't disliked it that much. there's still hope haha. i'll take it up again in summer. will be better this time around.

- don't worry too much about the future. just concentrate on the work at hand. you'll know when you learn more.

- i guess so

- miss home?

...

- quite alrite. not that much

i'm a perpetual liar.

- bye! catch you next time!

and i forgot to say thank you so much. i shouldn't be so lost anymore.

you said 'we're social beings. not natural beings.'

social beings. we have obligations.

i remembered how i crazily researched on studio ghibli last summer. the thick documents i compiled. i was proud of it. coz i knew all about it. all the stuff about animation, from a script's proposal to the final production. and i wish i could become part of the efforts too.
i could do the same for science. i knew too little.
- dad it's easy for you to say that. coz your university life isn't so bad. you scored highest all along.

- coz i just want to have something to boast to my daughter when i'm an old man like this.

if that's merely a hobby. science is also a hobby. i'll like it i guess. i'm not giving up yet. and i have to fall back to reality. give myself a little bit of courage.

so many things rushed through my mind last night.

i need to restart.