St. Jacobs

What a lovely town that is. i wonder if 'town' is a proper name. But St. Jacobs, which is located near the outskirt of Waterloo, is a very small but homely place where delicate craft shops topped with snow stand elegantly alongside a frozen river. It reminds me of 'a story right out of a book'! That earth shop in 'whisper of heart'. artisans' hands are god made. And i'm so happy that car was finally back to life and all of us had a chance to go out and breathe fresh air!! It's not cold, perfect whether. Last time we went out to shovel snow, i was frozen hard like iced pork.

back to st. jacobs. the first stop was a somewhat arabian flavoured craft shop with a familiar name 'earth winds'. all of those on display are authentic handmade stuff. wood crafts, pottery, mirrors, carpets. and great! I don't have any money with me, although i'd like to buy the whole shop haha. but it's always been a somewhat childhood ? or teenage dream to own a shop like this, in an enchanting wooden hart, where foreign music drifts in the background, pulling customers souls away. evil laughters * hahahahha*

the most impressive shops we visited were glass shops. stained glass, blown glass. sparkling immaculately smooth surfaces that even tickles your appetite. imagine that rosy coloured plate filled up with grapes, yummy! and dry petals pressed between two stained galss panels. and dreamcatchers of all sizes. one of them is about a metre cube in space. ya said she'd hang it in a triangle topped attic. and together with tarot cards, and mysterious aroma. there you have a perfect witch's alcove.

later this evening, we went to the waterloo park... to be continued

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It's xmas eve today. we played poker this afternoon. me, guizi, ya and Mary. the loser will have to stick strips of paper onto her face. and we're going to take a photo of it tonight. ya got 7 strips . she even claimed 7 is her fav no. i got 5. Mary 4, and guizi the least - 2. It was all so hilarious. I don't know what mum n dad will think if i show them the photo.
was reading 'howl's moving castle' ebook last night, the original story by diana wynne jones is very different from what's adapted into the animation by miyazaki. Howl is indeed very vain... I'm only 1/3 through, can't wait to see what happens to the contract and what the hell that dark secret vault is. That seems to hold Howl's , or Jenkin's secrets.

the snow before xmas

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow
i haven't seen snow so thick in years!! it's so much colder here in waterloo than back in toronto. me guizi n ya were happily planning to build a snow man but when we found ourselves knee deep in the piercing cold snow we started cursing how this could be a human place at all. and our snow man builing plan turned out to be snow clearing. the drive in lane in front of the garage was a daunting task. luckily we worked in groups. four girls = 2 men? equal in work done. my arms were tired and my back strained. and my face burning from the cold. i doubt if i'll get arthritis... and snow bites and much much more.....

gotta knock a little harder

Gotta Knock A Little Harder
(from cowboy bebop, 'knocking on heaven's door')

Happiness is just a word to me
And it might have meant a thing or two
If I'd had known the difference
Emptiness, a lonely parody
And my life, another smokin' gun
A sign of my indifference
Always keepin' safe inside
Where no one ever had a chance
To penetrate or break in
Let me tell you some have tried
But I would slam the door so tight
That they could never get in
Kept my cool under a lock and key
And I never shed a tear
Another sign of my condition
Fear of love or bitter vanity
That kept me on the run
The main events at my confession
I kept a chain upon my door
That would shake the shame of Cain
Into a blind submission
The burning ghost without a name
Was still calling all the same
But I just wouldn't listen
The longer I'd call
The further I'd crawl
The further I'd crawl
the harder I'd fall
I was crawlin' into the fire
The more that I saw
The further I'd fall
The further I'd fall
the lower I'd crawl
I kept fallin' into the fire
Into the fire
Into the fire
Suddenly it occured to me
The reason for the run and hide
Had totaled my existence
Everything left on the other side
could never be much worse than this
But I could go the distance
I face the door and all my shame
Tearin' off each piece of chain
Until they all were broken
But no matter how I tried
The other side was locked up so tight
The door it wouldn't open
Give it all that I got
And started to knock
Shouted for someone
To open the lock
I just gotta get through the door
And the more that I knocked
The hotter I got
The hotter I got
the harder I'd knock
I just gotta break through the door
Gotta knock a little harder
Gotta knock a little harder
Gotta knock a little harder
Break through the door

insomnia

I can't sleep. I used to be a heavy sleeper and now i can't sleep, lying there for almost an hour millions of thoughts rush through my mind, nerve endings actively firing. i start to sound like jady, poor poor jady. now i'm in exactly the same situation. i wish it's only the crazy exam period that causes this hopefully temporary anxiety syndrome coz all the unhappy memories and speculations of my gloomy future flush over me in tidal waves. it must be the exams i need to know. what about mum. is she burdened with thoughts too? dreams bread a thousand nightmares. is there an angel who has the magic power of sleep? all the dust laid down in those sleepless nights who can blow them away. i feel myself fossilising. i keep asking myself am i happy. i'm not. i said the word 'lonely' tenfolds over and then i tried to chant 'happy happy happy' it turned so sour, what a parody. i'm not happy. i'm not. there're so many reasons I know why I'm not, who can gimme one reason why i am. maybe it's just the exam that has taken its toll on me. but it shouldn't. i wasn't the exam stress type. because of something else.
lollipops, sound of raindrops on my umbrella, icecream, sushi(i want jellyfish), the first ray of light on an early winter morning, i opened the door to the balcony and let it in and it dissolved me. my childhood playmates. a novel project that's to take place. mum's cooking. mum dad n me sitting together laughing. the trees outside dad's office window. the clock tower, early birds. pavillions. the secret quiet path circling the hill. things that make me happy. breathing the wind. singing as if nobody's hearing. having the courage to forgive and forget. i feel better now.

sickness

i'm sad with sickness and sick with sadness. and I don't want to talk much, or eat but i know my usual appetite will come back again. I have no time for this nausea, but certainly a lot of room that's why it comes uninvited. and it's left alone in the downstairs guestroom while the master locks herself up in a cell upstairs. The guest is quiet and behaving, but his presence nonetheless irritating.

before sleep

they're re-watching cinderella's story, guizi & zhongxiao. coz guizi thinks the guy's cute. and the comments most pple give on the last kissing scene- it's not a you're-the-one kiss, rather go-and-get-a-hotelroom type of kiss. .. whatever

randomly 'blogged' others, left me rather speechless. some sites totatlly porno, some political wholesome, lots on sales n business, 9 out of 10 are on Bush(even comes with porno pics)... But even those are better than the organic chem notes laid out before me, rotting away. and funny thing is, most pple start off their blog with this sentence in common (small variantions but they're all the same)- 'not sure who'll be reading my blog, or who cares any way'. key words 'who'll read' & 'who cares'. started me thinking. i used to keep diaries, good old paper diary. (haha, reminded me of another blog i bumped into two days ago. it's really a bizarre diary written by a jap 29 years old man. <- that's how he introduced himself as, verbatum. 29 is not old though... since the japs pronounce/write 'r' as 'l' or the other way around i'm not sure. bottom line is they can't distinguish b/w 'r' & 'l' coz there's no 'r' in jap pronounciation. The guy wrote 'I'm studying English. and this diaLy is also for that' took me a while to realize what he's trying to say. and continueing with 'If anyone finds mistakes i'll be happy to collect(read: correct) them' and other outrageously funny(not his mistake) words like 'i rode the exercise bike(gym workout)' or the rather short but nonetheless mind-stimulating review on 'finding nemo' - the first scene is pitiful is good. well, just jokes, no stereotyping here or malicious taunts. he's very serious about improving his english coz he really corrected his mistakes and rewrote every entry. and i'm in no good position to remark non native english speakers coz i'm also one of them. sometimes i do feel it's kind of hard trying to express tiny little things in another language, as if an itch that cannot be pinpointed.

back to blog vs. diary. so why would so many people incidentally agree on 'who'll read' and 'who care' thinking mode. it's the nature of blogging. it's huge and unless u advertise it, it'll probably be read only by whoever writes it. but instead of keeping a traditional diary, blogs allow interactions with strangers. to give a random travel pass to your thoughts. maybe you'll be hitched by a companion. i did write an essay on this topic back in junior college, general paper no. ?? I wouldn't bother to keep track of the no. of GP essay I wrote for exams. i took a totally biased pt. of argument, all favours to old diary. gd thing abt blogging: nobody knows how ugly your handwriting is. and you can stick live specimen to ur paper diary, whether you're aware of it or not. last time i flipped thru last yr's entry, I saw a mosquito corpse pressed against a corner , perfectly clean n 2D. excuse my sick humour. i did press flower petals, and magazine cuttings, photos, quotes scribbled on pieces of paper, postcards, birthday cards etc. and later on i had to stick a small paper pocket onto the back of the cover page just to stuff all the inserts in coz they start to slip out of the distorted diary book. and i see the change in my own handwritting. the only thing that's constant is change. I read somewhere of how handwrittings can be interpreted to give a person's character. for example, write letter 't', or big 'T', doesn't matter, if the horizontal stroke is long->open, extrovert, short->introvert. and the angle of inclination. perfectly straight up n down, lack of creativity n stuff. it's not v. true though. but I do appreciate artistic handwritings, curls but not too excessive. I'm criticised for having horrible illegible handwritings- too flowery. and I can't help it. Some say that if in a rush, all the excessive curls will be gone and all things will be reduced to simple strokes. If only I could do that in the last few minutes of my exams(there're countless exams i ran out of time for...) ...

i MUST sleep. the agenda i laid out for tmr, already today, past 0:00 already!! is HUGE!! TERRIFYING! STUPEFYING!! HORRIFYING! if I don't rush, I won't make it for the exam. an entire life's worth of organic chem knowledge compressed into 3 days of preparation all for a final test that lasts 3hrs.... 333333333 , is actually my lucky no, which looks disgusting for now. '3' is a no. that conveys the message of 'moderation'. Moderation in life makes you happy. not too much, neither too little. but NOW, 3 days of preparation is FAR FROM ENOUGH! and 3 hrs of exam is FAR TOO LONG. going nuts.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, oyasumi.

anohter Jap joke.
an eng man was running an election in Japan, by the name of 'sir williams'(made up, but it is a TRUE story) to show their support, a bunch of Japs put up a HUGE banner right in front of his mansion. which tragically read ' May Sir Williams have a successful erection'.
erection=election

I'd rather die in the house.

piss you off - ectomologymaniac

some of prof's fav. sayings,
' have you been taking suffixes n prefixes to lunch?'
' carve those words onto your body, genu, pectoris, clavis, ...[blabbering continues]'
' don't worry about the test, you can always make a G that looks like an L' -[we have to identify if the roots come from Greek or Latin... i'm so confused] i tried it. it's easy, G does look like L if the tail isn't excessively curled.
' have you been losing friends recently?' - we're supposed to,

piss you off with my ectomologymania. ec(out, G)/tomos(cut, G)/logos(speech, G)/y=ia(suffix, G, =condition, quality)/mania(there you go, madness, G)

I deserve full score on that word

famous phrases
tempus fugit = time flies (L)
pathea mathos = suffering learning (G)
ab mera ad mera = from sea to sea (L)

madeup words (If they do exist, ...... then...)
elephantineczema = huge skin eruption
bromogyne= stinking women

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the war is over everywhere...except here

sorry if someone got confused by the ambiguous title i put there. i'm not saying military , physical wars that take place in reality. the war- UofT finals that's what i mean. the 'war' is over for all the enscience guys, and should I just say the war's over for everyone except we poor souls who take chm247, and me who take additional burdensome course-cla201, greek n latin in scientific terminology. both next monday and I know it'll pass before I know it. It always happens. Time slips away through your fingers and it's an impossibly dreadful thing trying to envision it or to give it a corporeal body. This morning I was still lying in bed around eleven, my brain in a semi-conscious state, drifting in and out. I wasn't aware when Guizi left for her biochem final early this morning. I was thinking, one hour later she would be released from her dreadful hell, freedom after 4 days of intensive fighting. All the enscience girls would be free 4 or 5 hours following that and all that was left- me. It wasn't a matter of alienation, rather I prefer this strange state of peacefulness, knowing that I could stick with my own pace while the other half of the world was partying away. As if in total control of what could otherwise go haywire. but that was just an illusionary comfort. But will be better once I dip myself into this tangle of mess called organic chem. there must be a start. Give it a spark and it'll burn. I'm that candle and I have to self-ignite what a funny thought is that.

Is guizi going to move out? I'll definitely miss her if she does. And I don't understand why she ever thinks of moving out for the next semester, and with Merli. I have absolutely no idea how to settle the problems of printer, goggles, lab coat, gloves, anthropology book and that electrical kettle- all of them shared property. and that huge printer! what a heck. We'll part ways sooner or later. think of it realistically. but that's just a fact written down that cannot be erased. 'Stay' you say, how much does that word carry. 'Please stay', do I really care so much that the word should sound so heavy. 'Stay coz I'll miss you' and why is the physical presence of a friend significant enough to make the same thought tossing around and bumping against the walls of your prison like mind. but i'm sure if she goes, i won't be seeing her often then. We go to different classes. even people on the same campus can be no more different than those oceans away. won't we be happier if we can find a shared apartment together next year and gang can join us too. why such an abrupt early move. I always think too much. but here's the joke- chances she's moving out is minimal. unless she successfully finds a house in 4 days. i was thinking, the one who stays and the one who leaves, they'll probably blame it on the other half, both of them. 'why won't u stay', 'why won't you come?' fools. just like dad and his best friend.

rite of passage - a tribute to minako narita

Does the title sound as if minako narita's dead. nooooooooo, 'munch scream'
long been planning to write a review on one of my fav. manga artist -minako, who has actually disappeared from the japanese manga world for several years now. , that is, ever since she finished her last work-natural and in an interview she said she would probably spend her savings travelling around the world, wa't the next time she'll ever pick up her pens again is a mystery or is she making a come back at all i wonder. if you search the net for her name, whether english, chinese or japanese, there are few sites left dedicated to her. How ironic if you realize that the websites dedicated to her virtually 'flourished' in her prime time, probably during the publicaiton of 'cipher' and 'alexandrite'- which is a sequal to 'cipher' but does not receive equally popular review as cipher. so she's forgotten in some sense but i'm pretty sure people who truly appreciate her contributions to the manga art world will never ever forget her uniqueness in the commonly miscomprehended shoujo world- some think it's just girlish love stories. minako narita will make u think twice. and whether her work should be categorized into 'shoujo manga' is debatable - at least i oppose it. and it's kind of sad or should i say i feel a great discontenment that she's the only one of that 'one of a kind' and take a look at the current market, (i'm not criticising them, in fact i like some of the current manga works as well, such as death note-but it's getting more n more boring) , it's flooded with common world-saviour-super-power-highschool love story -samurais and what not content based manga books, i really miss minako. her stories are as close to a real person's life as can be, interweaved with intriguing cultural elements(she collects all kinds of ethnic costumes), eccentric, interesting and brave characters(but no super power!) and a flowing story line that takes you through someone else's life, and you feel your own rite of passage. papable, real and intimate.

when did i start reading her books? i'm not sure. the first book i read was 'Alexandrite' and why did I buy it? I can't remember! following that, I read 'Cipher' because alexandrite is a sequal to cipher. and later on i read 'natural'.

her characters are never japanese and settings seldom japan, laughs. that's why it's interesting I guess because she loves to depict other cultures that are rarely known. cipher and siva are american but their grandma indian. alexandrite is half greek half american and michael is from Peru. all these characters have one thing in common - they're challenged by their own unique identity and they seek the truth, break the chains and set their minds free. that's a thread you can easily follow in almost all her works. there're stories behind those great cultures, rich with colours, rich with courageous giants that marked them on the map, and above all rich with spirits even though countless strifes have almost brought the country down into debris. that's why her characters feel proud, confident because they know they're from lands where people live life proud and free. they feel the legend in their blood.

'Alexandrite' is probably the one exclusively devoted to the idea of 'self identity'. - how alex sought after his own Greek father and the story behind the precious family gem - Alexandirte (Alex is named after it). and it's a special gem that changes colours

here're some brief notes on the gem
-discovered in 1831, named after Alexander II of Russia
-mystical properties of alexandrite: reinforces self-esteem, assits one in centering the self(does Minako know this when she was working on the book?? It rings a bell)
-changes colour from green/or even bluish green, almost violet(day light) to red(incandescent light), u won't believe your eyes first time u see it!! (as it IS indeed the case for poor Alex!! It is Siva - Alex's roommate, who told him the special properties of this gem)

razzle dazzle





Alex- very interesting character. he's virtually a 'rechargeable battery'. forever energetic when he's awake and when battery runs flat, he falls asleep instantly, no matter what time or place. Alex and Siva were roommates when they attended Univ of Columbia. and he had a black belt for karate and also in the school team for judo. and in fact he had a difficult time deciding which one to drop later coz it was getting too big for good. and he even did part time modelling. i can never forget that weird interview. out of around 100 people Alex was chosen for the modelling job. when he went into the room, there was a lady sitted casually on a chair, legs crossed. and around her, there were 4 or 5 people making noises and dancing jumping as if mad. the questions asked were even more bizzare. well, maybe not the questions, but Alex's answers. Alex had a small whistle that was tied to a string and worn around the neck. and the woman being intrigued by it, asked him what it was used for. guess what he said? 'there's no bell on my bike so i blow this whistle whenever i am about to bump into pedestrians.' 'do you like to dance?' 'yes, absolutely!' then those funny clowns who were dancing around throughout the entire interview shouted 'woooooooow! your dream must be becoming a dancer!' Whohoaa!!' and they cheered, rocked their body, made faces etc. Alex was pissed for a while and he shouted 'No! I don't wanna be a dancer. I wanna be a karate master!' - that was the end of the interview. Once the door was closed after Alex made his exit, those 'clowns' stopped their ridiculous performance and each of them laid out a card on the table - 'kings and queens' , meaning they all thought Alex was the right one. I never knew they use poker cards to vote. well, that's one weird interview. and Alex was often joked for looking girlish (he was pretty looking and had long black hair in streaks of tight neat curls) and nobody would bully him of course , remember his black belt for karate! there're lots of other interesting characters(side-dishes i call them, haha), such as Ambrosia, his girlfriend who grew up with him, and a Japanese guy who planned lots of fun activities(secret 'Santa'- he asked Ambrosia to draw a name from a black box, inside all of the strips had Alex's name written on them, so it's cheating, that's a very romantic X'mas btw. Alex asked his distant cousin to play violin for Ambrosia) and of course there you have Siva and Cipher making guest appearances here n there. In the end, Alex met his true father in Greece. He didn't really abandon Alex and his mum. Due to political strife(yes he's a politican...) it was impossible for him to return at that time and his dad even went for Alex's final karate tournament. there're so many episodes of stories if you write a novel out of it, it'll be equally thick and solid.

and moving on to 'Natural'. The story is deeper and also darker. Michael(an angel's name) was adopted by Lizi's(I can't recall the Japanese name) father who worked in Peru. (and the whole family can speak the language). reason for adoption, well, it only became clearer later into the plot. that michael was involved in some street gang gun fire and his parents were scared that it would ruin his future so they consented to send him out of the country altogether. the main body is not about gangs in Peru though! (if yes i'll drop the book) Michael left Peru and went to Japan with Lizi's father(daughter n mum already in Japan coz Lizi needed to school there), after a really brief introduction, became a formal member of the family. See it's so brief that Lizi was shocked that she had a brother in a flash of a second. The relationship b/w Lizi and Michael was hazy throughout the book but it's definitely much more than sister-brother love. As a foreinger in this new country, Michael tried to be quiet, obedient, trying hard to find his own niche. and all along he avoided 'team'(street gang gave him v. bad memory. he shot someone in order to protect a friend) and he prayed every night in order to clear his sins. He avoided 'team' because his control buttom would be off whenever he gets too intimate with his friends. If someone provokes his friend (out of bad intention obviously), he might just go a bit out of his way. Only Lizi understood him. Both sisiter n brother were avid NBA fans and Michael was excellent basketball player. ( he never smiled when he first came into the family. one day Lizi brought him to the neighbourhood and they played basketball together, that was the first time Michael smiled.) Although he was excellent he avoided joining the school team. the team leader was so pissed (he bugged him persistently...) and he just couldn't understand why Michael wouldn't join them. Later Lizi gave him a very abstract picture. that everyone has two angels, one by each side. the right wing allures you and the left wing pulls you back. Michael was scared his 'button' would be switched on by the right.

some eccentric figures.
Simen- top seed in archery. loves to bully Michael. he's heir to their family business- guess what it is, a shrine. He's going to be a 'priest' in a sense, because I can't find a proper word for that exclusive Japanese term. Once he asked Michael what animal he would be if reincarnated. I forgot what Michael said. But Simen, he wanted to age like an eagle. Those eagles that roam the northern sky. He showed Michael a very pretty feather, pure white with a strong stem. Eagles aren't borne with those feathers. only when they age does their tail feather turn white, that blends with the snow as they fly.

Michael's friend(I forgot his name...) - loves to collect all kinds of stuff, from bugs specimen to sushi combo. his mum was scared of his room because eerie features were strewn around. once his poor mum tried to clean up his room, she spotted a huge black bug soaked in formaldehye and scream!!!!! one joke, a bunch of guys were discussing about their watches. 'what brand is yours?' 'G-shock' 'Rolex' &$%4, etc etc. when it came to this guy... , he wore a sundial... and 'whatt time is it' ---two streams of tears rolling down his eyes. It's a cloudy day...

Michael never saw snow before. when he did see it, he was so excited he buried his face in the snow piled ground and laughed at his art work- a sculpted mask in the snow.

there're lots of other quotes. such as 'one's room is his private world' what you would put on your desk or hang up on the walls all reflect your innermost desires.

fingers tired, to be continued next time

what has gotten int o me recently... i feel bored and probably lonely. waiting for someone to appear, someone is not prince charming, someone else.

new blog *_*

The internet is soooooooo slow i almost gave up posting then the windows popped up so that accounted for my first sentence ever written on this blog.
gang's blog- tobenai tsubasa(wings that cannot fly), a track from the movie ost 'all about lily chou chou' directed by shunji iwai, who also wrote the script and he directed many others which won heavy acclaim like 'love letter', 'swallowtail', 'undo', 'april story', 'picnic' - these are some that i've watched. and i like april story n love letter best. his movies are always picture centric, lots of colours and nuances that are bound to tickle your thinnest nerve. 'all about lily chou chou' is, well, quoting from my friend's funny comments 'everyone's so messed up and they wanna die, all of them, except shunji iwai himself who lives quite happily and earns big bucks' haha, that's true to some extent. is life ever so desperate for commoners like us, maybe occasionally but it can't be that dark in what's dipicted in 'all about lily chou chou'. i've never encountered any real gangs and bullying around school so i can't say much and japan's a complicated society(shudder!)

i can't wait to watch 'howl's moving castle', been collecting all kinds of information from the net.

reviews generally read ' this movie's not one of the best miyazaki films' (persons who wrote these favour 'nausicca' and 'princess mononoke') well , me personally, my fav of fav is princess mononoke, followed by whisper of heart(but that's not a miyazaki production, rather his collegue or used-to-be-ghilbi's-heir, kondo, who died unfortunately early), sidetracked. and everyone seems to complain about the movie's ending, too fairy tale, too abrupt so they were left griping after the movie ended. when will they ever show it here in toronto. the only offically announced releases are in korea etc. envy them!! those who go home for x'mas can catch a miyazaki film! howl's moving castle, originally based on diana wyne's fantasy novel, only follows the original storyline loosely. might disappoint some diana wyne fans, i'm not one of them fortunately! but, since if they only go for the movie coz of the book, there won't be much point in going. animation's about creating the impossibles, manipulating out of air, making things move and paint colours onto screen. sensationally so. there're so many ways to bring a point across. artist might draw a rose. composer writing a serenade. poet composing a love poem. animator animating his own feelings, all of them trying to say 'i love you'. whichever way you find your own echo. some like a story written out on paper, some like live actions and someone(like me) loves animation. and it's not to be ranked superior or inferior, finer or coarser, because it's just an echo we're trying to catch, why would you care where that echo comes from.

i am listening to GARNET CROW! their new album(4th) released on Dec 8, 2004. - i'm waiting 4 you. surprisingly pleasing to ears this time on first listen, which's rare for garnet crow. usually takes 4 repeated rounds for me to truly appreciate their songs. but that means the songs will be quite 'durable' and you won't get sick of them soon. some days ago i was wondering how long a band's going to last. most pop bands are effervescent most they can go is probably 10 yrs. i'm not sure about garnet crow, just when i was deep in my thoughts, gang said ' you should ask yourself, are you going to like them that long?' you've got a point! am I? for now, i think i am. how to define something like 'idol', some forms and shapes you get your inspiration from but that doesn't mean they're so perfect and they're definitely not saints who've become your new religion. but knowing them becomes part of ur best memory. for me it is, listening to gc makes me happy, relaxed, confident. and i pursure everything with renewed ferver if that energy comes from them. and it's weird to realize somehow that your idols aren't saints and to pick mistakes and admit their failures have almost become equal to killing a faith or self denial. if you ask me ' don't you think this song sux', it is... well, it is. but i won't say that coz it's a garnet crow song. ' and what's so special with this and that', second thought, nothing special but why would i admit it in your face, some equivalent non believers that it's no good. it's a garnet crow song, that's the only non-reason reason i give to myself. same with some of my favourite animators. what's so amazing about spirited away that it caused such a world sensation and even claimed the Oscar. it has its attributes we're not blind, but there're problems too. there're alwasy some problems with miyazaki's story telling. i've been thinking about that for a while. it's not impossible. and reading someone's review on 'howl's moving castle'- ' although there're lots of loud scenes in the movie, i still couldn't help falling asleep, the only thing that kept me awake is the name 'miyazaki' ' i was pissed. but, it's not impossible. and sadly the only possible escape out of this ridiculous contradiction that arises from some almost cult like fervent belief is, to do something and to surpass the icons i admire so much. i wonder how is that possible.

funny thoughts. some possible names i've thought up for my blog .
marionette fantasia(sounds mysterious and sinister), garnet crow ( i shall not display my obsession so publicly anymore) - but that doesn't stop me from putting up a webpage exclusively on them(plan to, will be there end of dec), that's partly due to ignorance of their name in the english speaking word. 'ignorance' is a neutral word here. i'm trying to promote them(free of charge haha!)

and i should be studying organic chem seriously i should i should i should and greek and latin too. what a dreadfully long vocab list!!!! shudder!