insomnia

I can't sleep. I used to be a heavy sleeper and now i can't sleep, lying there for almost an hour millions of thoughts rush through my mind, nerve endings actively firing. i start to sound like jady, poor poor jady. now i'm in exactly the same situation. i wish it's only the crazy exam period that causes this hopefully temporary anxiety syndrome coz all the unhappy memories and speculations of my gloomy future flush over me in tidal waves. it must be the exams i need to know. what about mum. is she burdened with thoughts too? dreams bread a thousand nightmares. is there an angel who has the magic power of sleep? all the dust laid down in those sleepless nights who can blow them away. i feel myself fossilising. i keep asking myself am i happy. i'm not. i said the word 'lonely' tenfolds over and then i tried to chant 'happy happy happy' it turned so sour, what a parody. i'm not happy. i'm not. there're so many reasons I know why I'm not, who can gimme one reason why i am. maybe it's just the exam that has taken its toll on me. but it shouldn't. i wasn't the exam stress type. because of something else.
lollipops, sound of raindrops on my umbrella, icecream, sushi(i want jellyfish), the first ray of light on an early winter morning, i opened the door to the balcony and let it in and it dissolved me. my childhood playmates. a novel project that's to take place. mum's cooking. mum dad n me sitting together laughing. the trees outside dad's office window. the clock tower, early birds. pavillions. the secret quiet path circling the hill. things that make me happy. breathing the wind. singing as if nobody's hearing. having the courage to forgive and forget. i feel better now.