i'm such a lunatic

I don't understand ANYTHING on my immunology notes and I just realized a test is coming... (sweating, swearing...) and I've been shirking off all responsiblities lately. Not buying groceries, not care if there's proper meal and I don't feel like going on MSN anymore. MSN always gives me a weird imaginary feeling of being connected to the outside which I'm rather sick of at the moment. Even if I appear offline, the popping sounds made by people signing in and off are completely annoying. I wonder if all these could be classfied as anxiety syndrome. Just before I woke up this morning, I dreamt of me, my dad and mum going on a trip together. We stopped by a sunlite forest and decided to take a photo and I was thinking, oh great! Finally we could have a family photo! Then I woke up, a bit numb in my head and somewhat hovering on the edge of derpession, trying to reason why I had the dream at all. We never went on any sort of trip together, except for the yearly visit to my grandma's and we haven't had any family photo taken ever since I went on high school. Then I remembered several years ago when we were having dinner with my dad's friends, they asked me if I was homesick. Even before I could put my words together, my dad answered for me 'No, she never missed home.' I wasn't even sure if that was a complement. Thinking back, he must be rather sad, my dad. This insensitive eccentric daughter I am.

I haven't talked to them for weeks. I said in my last email 'let's chat on msn this weekend.' but when weekend comes, I don't want to go on MSN. I'm scared. I don't know where to start because nothing's going particularly right at this moment and I don't want to talk to them about that, my academics, my future goals, my relationships, my happiness, my run-of-the-mill daily report. 'I don't want a career in science. I'm constanly unhappy. More often than I want to, I'm scared and depressed. I want to disappear from where I am and start anew in a place where nobody knows my name. I'm afraid I can't meet your expectations. I'm constantly guilty and nauseated whenever I think of my future.' If I were to speak the truth, I'm sure they would buy the next ticket available, fly over and open up my brain for good. Therefore, in the end, I don't want to talk. I hover my mouse aimlessly up and down the MSN contact list, hover around my dad's name, feeling sad and outrageously lost and in the end, I signed off. I can't even remember when everything started to go terribly wrong.

And I need to study right now, even if just to block out the noise.