Weekend

很晚才起，连续做梦，梦的精疲力尽醒来后一直发呆。二哥寄来十二个半满的玻璃瓶，里面是玫瑰红色的液体，每个瓶子上都写着字，记得有海棠花的字样。刚买来的书翻了几页被Sherry扔到湖中央，气歪嘴的我把她那件外套扔到湖里陪葬。就是这样的梦，真折寿。

J的email事件时不时会想起，觉得真作孽，受伤的人要学会好好疼自己，要坚信幸福的来临。又联想到前天听的一个关于历史演变的演讲，人的价值观因经济文化不同而各有所异，对美丑的定义也截然不同。先不谈互相欣赏，那是更上一层（也未必有这一层）的精神境界，就先说互相了解。了解的目的并非“同化”，而是在彼此的差异上建筑起能让彼此受益或彼此都付出最少代价的交流共识。人到底是自私的，我同意那位演讲者'Let's build peace on optimal interest'的观点因为我并不相信博爱。接而扩充到很多事情上，做生意，谈政治，过日子，还有恋爱。不爱我的我不爱，所以也想开吧，找个至少关心你的人，慢慢营业。

三天窝在家里终于出去了一趟，零下-14，加上wind chill实际温度是-27。经不起诱惑吃了一根冰棍（西瓜味），桂子说我是神经病，其实没有那么冷。在二手店找到Jane Hirshfiled的Nine Gates，心脏咯楞跳了一下，没想到还有她的书，而且只要3块钱。。。

书桌上寄居的零碎物品





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Jady:

oooooooh ultra nice messy desktop! that fish bone thingie! and cat! and cow! and book! and icecream in winter (a MOST heavenly thing!)! i won't be having that very dark and cryptic dream if i had all those..what's with the rosy bottles? sounds mystic...poetic...and like my vodka bottle. ^^

just watched The Holiday (very out of season)..dunno if u had watched it. a regular xmas feat that makes one feel warm and fuzzy and mushy..(not that i have anything against that). kate winslet's character is this book editor having a very unrequited love towards a writer who treats her confusingly, exploitingly and horribly, and who announces his engagement to another woman at the last minute, breaking her heart. sounds kinda familiar eh. and awwww i just love it when this woman finally 'flipped out' and gave a breathtaking impromptu of 'you've been treating me horribly', kicked guy out and started anew with an enormous smile and confidence. (and of course, all ended well with a deserving, funny and kind man that is jack black, lol). i thought maybe if i watched this heartening thing earlier maybe things would be be taking a different turn somewhere, but then again i think whatever happened that led up to here and now happened and is all great, might be slower and painful this way to see self meander and rollercoaster and eventually grow, but it's a sturdier and truer growth. blabbering... just wanna say that as shocking to you as the rotten status of this correspondence, don't take it too...i dunno, too weightily. you know how much of a willingly blind dodo people in love or perpetual infatuation can be--though i still hold my gratitude--but how much to indulge and not hold self back, and then not have a constant despairing sense of a life drained and damaged, hereafter and forever? maybe if i tell you things earlier, from the beginning and skipping nothing, you'd very soon hop around in disbelief and indignation at my no-brain-ness and his indescribable and impenetrable whatever-ness--you just don't treat people that way. (or maybe just too idealistic an expectation of people? sometimes i wish who i loved was a villain, at least villains are absolute and have strength of character! but what is him...i don't even know) a Holiday line goes, maybe, because you are hoping you were wrong. every time he does something that tells you he's no good, you ignore it. And every time he comes through and suprises you, he wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that he's not for you." some rightly cold splash to the face. yeah, i'm going to pull through. done blabbering.

and throwing you the funny opening monologue (bang!)! i love winslet!!! darn this is a long email...7_7

And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms!